I was told the other day “You aren’t acting like your usual, sweet self lately… and it’s starting to bother me.” Bother you??? Well here is the thing – I’m bothered by just about everything lately. Here are a select few (obviously this stuff is on my mind, A LOT):
- The fact that I wake up every time one of my kids even stirs during the night… so therefore I am tired all the time.
- I only want to eat chips and I’m still starving unless I eat an entire bag of chips.
- I’m judged for still breastfeeding my 6 month old son, and I’m judged when I consider stopping.
- My 2 year old has become an artist and left her mark on the world in the form of marker, crayon and nail polish scribbles all over our walls and carpet.
- All these fun ideas I have for new Mommi products take about 3 times as long to produce as I think they should.
- I love working and I am proud of the work we have accomplished as a team at Mommi but I constantly feel like I’m inadequate as a mother and can’t figure out how to balance both so I can stop feeling guilty.
And I could go on and on actually… which is kind of embarrassing. But true.
I was feeling this way and definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday. So I left the house to go on a run while my husband watched my sick children because he didn’t have to go into work until 12pm. Which was awesome – one thing to be grateful for I thought at the time.
Then a little miracle happened for my attitude that would go unrecognized by anyone watching. As I was running and stewing over all the imperfections in my life I passed a road construction worker on the side of the road wearing one of those bright orange vests and putting out cones on the street. He energetically waved at me with the biggest smile and said “Good Morning!”
My heavy heart lightened a little bit.
As I kept running I thought “I would hate working roadside all day doing back-breaking work, so I should really be grateful for my job as a mom and with Mommi.” I found it admirable that he was so happy despite having such a grueling job (even though he probably loves his job – this was just my perspective).
Then I had to run around an older couple out on the sidewalk slowly walking their dog. They were holding hands. I lost it. That morning I woke up to a crying baby and then walked past my full-length mirror with the thought “man you so fat – why can’t you ever stick to a diet or work out enough?” After I soothed my baby boy and climbed back into bed feeling haggardly as ever my husband pulled me close to him, kissed me on the forehead and said “I love you”. At the time I thought “how can you love me when I look like this?” But when I saw the older couple it all made sense – pure love transcends any shortcomings we hold ourselves to.
My thoughts started changing from a negative downward spiral to uplifting and heart-warming. And I was so grateful… it sucks spending your day down in the dumps.
Life gets hard and sometimes it feels like the odds are against us. Everyone is dealing with some kind of battle. For me, it doesn’t help to pretend everything is OK. When I fake it I usually don’t make it. Instead there are reminders all around to help me remember the good things and not dwell on the bad. Or to change the bad into something good and realize that everything is OK and life is good.
I kissed my husband and my babies with more purpose last night. Then I wrote about it in this post. There are a thousand things to be grateful for but my top 2 on the day I needed them most? That street construction worker and a sweet elderly couple. Tomorrow it may be something else or maybe I will be the influence someone needs to brighten their day. Either way, I’m grateful.