For the last year, I’ve been thinking – “it’s a good thing I’m going to have one more baby because then I can really appreciate all the stages of pregnancy.” My intentions were there. I would keep a thorough 40-week journal. Practicing prenatal yoga would become my new jam. I was excited for awesome, healthy Mommi shakes, every day! And I’d spend time simply sitting and meditating while my baby grew peacefully inside of me. It all sounded so good, being present, practicing mindfulness and I was so excited.
Then, month after month, I wasn’t pregnant. Each test came back negative. I went to an OB/GYN here in town. He put me on the ovulation stimulant Clomid. But that did not seem to help. After the first 4 months, I was moody, and cranky, and definitely not myself. Then the acne started and I was breaking out like a pre-teen. Lots of ups and downs and there was still no “last” baby for me.
Adopting a Learning Mindset
I got pregnant so easily with my children that I never considered it might be difficult again. Yet here I am mourning the loss of the 4th pregnancy that just wasn’t happening. It was time for me to adopt a new mindset. Maybe it wasn’t the right thing to have one more baby and one more pregnancy to finally enjoy. Practicing mindfulness, I uncovered that maybe I had not been fully present with my pregnancies in the way I wanted. And so during this journey, I was also mourning the loss of that goal or vision I created in my mind—being present, practicing mindfulness to enjoy this last pregnancy fully!
Spring the Season of Rebirth
Now that we are entering a new Spring season I am reminded to be present. I can appreciate what is right here in front of me each day. My 5 year old is starting Kindergarten soon and we will not have our days together. That saddens me in a way but it also reminds me to just be present. I won’t get back the years where we spent the days together. But I can enjoy the season we are in right now.
It’s hard sometimes to enjoy something that is often SO hard. Especially if you get sick when you are pregnant. Or maybe you are one of the lucky women that break out more than usual. Or perhaps you gain a lot more weight than you had planned. But when pregnancy won’t be happening anymore, you won’t have to mourn the loss of appreciating it as I did. Live and love the moment you are in right now. Be Present. Be Mindful. Things will evolve and change but the gift of these experiences will linger forever.
Ann Douglas, author of “The Mother of All Pregnancy Books” has a terrific article on Practicing Mindfulness During Pregnancy and Early Motherhood if you want to read more.